Feeding The Trolls

A product of the Gremlin Generation (the movie, not the car), I consider myself savvy in techno-lingo. Yet, this morning I was stumped.

It began innocently enough. After dropping off Things 1 and 2, I pulled forward in the carpool line into a reserved parking spot (under the guise of heading into the school office) in order to safely check myFacebook page via cell phone. As indicated by my actions, I am strongly committed to the safety of our children. Therefore, I would never FB in carpool line itself. Carpool line is reserved for yelling, check writing and homework completion. It is no place for social networking.

Scrolling through updates chock full of the minutia of parenting, working and evidently some form of virtual farming, I gave pause.

I had been called to the proverbial mat over a posted comment. My heart began to race and my mouth was as dry as the woodchips covering the playground. Several sentences filled a comment box. My God, it was a paragraph. Worse, it was two paragraphs. I was floored.

The comment was in response to a satirical jab of my Friend's grammar. This commenter, this alleged person, identified only by a picture, was lecturing me. Me. I had no idea who she was. Her name was quite ordinary. Not creative and unique like mine. For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Vader.

For clarification: My comment was four words. My Friend has a last name that ends in S. I struggle with last names that end in S. Particularly when it comes to plurals and possessives. The use of an apostrophe is paralyzing. Let's use a recognizable name as an example: Smithers. My Friend referred to her home in a possessive and posted a comment regarding The Smither's house. I commented, -Wouldn't that be Smithers'.

Decorum and reason, exit stage left.

Vader weighed in. Her rant included references to an advanced degree She moved on to grammatical errors committed by her friends in Mensa. Seriously. Mensa. Paragraph 2 included terms like 'forum for entertainment' and 'consider the end result' and 'impact'.

Evidently, I had hit a nerve.

Always one to take the high road, I didn't. I launched full on into a response dripping with condensation and sarcasm. It captured my quick wit, vast intelligence, size 4 figure and undeniable good looks.

Vader. Take cover.

I waited. I got coffee. I had no choice...I went to work. By the end of lunch, nothing. And then, at five til 5, the familiar ding of a FB notification rang through on my trusty iphone.

Redemption.

Yet, it wasn't Vader. Perhaps she had tripped on a juice box and lay unconscious atop a lego-strewn floor. It was some guy. His comment?

'Stop Feeding the Trolls'.

What? Trolls? He knows Vader? She was a troll? Then it suddenly dawned on me - this was lingo.

I subscribe to the Urban Dictionary feed. I do online bill pay. I download music. I am a young 36. I tell my children to Chillax. I tried on skinny jeans. I pay at the pump. I'm down. I confess. I was stumped.

What else was there to do? There was no choice. I did it. I googled.

I googled and I learned.

Trolling:

• Much like fishing. The act of purposefully antagonizing other people on the Internet, generally on message boards. Just as bad as trolling is "Feeding the Trolls". This is when people say stuff that they know will prompt someone to respond and/or replying to comments that are blatantly from a troll.

• Going out at night for the sole purpose of engaging in a sexual act with an ugly person.

• Hunting for trolls. Trollers hang around under bridges with troll guns at night (since trolls turn to stone in daylight), in the hope of bagging a troll head as a trophy. As a VERY endangered (i.e. nonexistent) species, trolls are protected by law, and trolling is therefore illegal.

• Going out in search of a victim for your intended crime. Wandering or driving slowly through an area, hoping to come across a good potential mark.

• To be under the influence of both LSD and Ecstasy; This word is made from tripping and rolling.

I explored. I learned. Most importantly, I expanded my lingo. It is understood that this is unlikely to win me the final round in Office Bingo (a game that is played in large meetings. The players write down management-nonsense word like "Out-of-the-box-thinking", "Synergy", "Content streamlining" etc.on a bingo card. Example: Company bigshot fancypants: "And that is why this merger is going to benefit shareholder value by creating value driven content." You: "BINGO!" ).

Yet, I have no doubt that my recently acquired street talk will further my reputation as a Soccer Mom Gang Banger in addition to sharpening my FB skills.

Thank you, Vader.

PS: I checked. I have been defriended.