Here we are, just a stone's throw from Compton...

A little hobby of mine is following the local crime report.

Thank you to the men (and women - yep that's for you, Mustacho) in blue who go to work day in and day out and keep a straight face and then actually sit down to fill out police reports on this stuff.

• At 5:52 p.m. Sunday a caller reported that a man on 10th Street South was outside doing yardwork wearing a long shirt and "briefs"-type underwear. The caller felt it was inappropriate attire. An officer made contact with the man and advised him he should wear more appropriate clothing while outside. The man apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

• A family on the 2300 block of Basswood Road reported that someone had entered their residence and damaged the wall. Officers arrived and determined the damage was done by the family dog. No burglary.

• A man reported at 4:49 p.m. Sunday the theft of tattoo equipment in Long Lake Township.

• A man reported at 4:07 p.m. Sunday that an airplane was continuously landing and taking off on Miller Lake in Wolford Township and he did not care for it.

• A woman on Cedarleaf Point Road reported at 6:26 p.m. Saturday that her adult children were fighting.

• Report at 9:29 a.m. Saturday of a vehicle in the lake near the 14000 block of Wonderland Park Road in Brainerd.

• A man reported Friday afternoon that two men were selling steak for $2 a pound from a van in Deerwood.

• A Garrison man reported an Angus bull on the roadway at County Road 8 and Smude Road. A deputy checked the area but the bull was gone on arrival.

• A report received at 1:19 a.m. Saturday of a stack of hay bales that were struck by lightening and on fire on County Road 113. Pierz Fire Department responded.

• Received a report Thursday that marijuana plants were planted on an individual's property.

• Received a report of an adult male lying in the road about 8 a.m. Thursday on the 18000 block of County Road 30 in Irondale Township by the mine pits.

• Received a report of people digging through the Dumpster behind the Family Dollar Store on Sixth Street Northeast on July 23. They were removing metal shelving and loading it into a van. The items were placed back in the Dumpster and the subjects were advised not to return without permission.

• At 2:10 p.m. Thursday, a woman reported that a male and female approached her in Kiwanis Park stating someone had let 30 to 40 tarantula spiders loose in the park and the two people had two live spiders and two dead spiders with them.

• Received a report at 8:41 p.m. Thursday of a unknown intoxicated male who kept knocking on an apartment door on the 100 block of Third Avenue.

• Received a report at 3:36 p.m. Thursday on the 400 block of J Street that a man was riding a bicycle and taking photos of homes. The man said it was his hobby.

• Wednesday a person on the 400 block of South Sixth Street requested a ride to detox.

• Received a report Thursday of children digging holes in an empty lot at 12th and Norwood streets. An office spoke to a parent and advised the children to fill in the holes.

• Received a report of two suspicious males at 1:11 a.m. Friday standing by Edgewood Drive. They were waiting for a taxi.

• Received a report Thursday of a tent pitched in the middle of the former Pine Meadows Golf Course at Clearwater and Cypress. Officers discovered a tent, but it was empty. It did look as though someone had been using the tent for sleeping.

An Artistic Tribute to Twilight...

Please join me in celebration of the release of Eclipse, the 3rd film in the Twilight series.

It is a great honor to present an online gallery of artist tributes to the saga.

All of these collectibles are actually available for purchase on the worldwide web.

Three adorable crochet finger puppets based of off characters from the Twilight series. Set includes Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

Fuse Beads

Spider Monkey ashtray with non-slip felt bottom

Edward Cullen coffee grip

Slumber in good company with a photo embellished pillow featuring the male cast wearing plastic fangs

Set your van apart from the other soccer moms.

Why have a plain boutique kleenex box sitting around when you can dress it up with a Twilight embroidered tissue cover! Great addition to your home décor or a gift for someone special.

B-I-N-G-O and Alice was her name-o

Bella's piano at your fingertips.

Ummm...

No holiday is complete without the requisite Team Jacob Christmas Tree ornament.

TWILIGHT spelled out in American Sign Language statuettes.

Accent evenings in front of the fire with this hand knit Eclipse afghan.

Move over Jimmy Choo...

Handmade when you order (for freshest catnip) for your feline friend.

The artist's description: This is a golden and sparkly wand that shines like Rosalie in the light, handmade by me. My wands are made of polymer clay over wooden cores. I give each one at least two layers of paint for durability. Each wand takes me 4-5 hrs from start to finish. It is one of a kind and you will not find another like it. Great as a gift. Great for cosplay. Not meant for children.

Note the lovely book in the middle of the wall 'art'

That's right, it's a pin cushion

Jacob Black Moisture Stick

I got nothin'

Oh, you betcha...

Discovery.


It ends up, that despite my best intentions, I may have become a 'local'. There are 'symptoms'. Independent of one another, they seem like isolated incidents. Collectively, well...

• After ordering Fish n' Chips at the local deil, the clerk leaned over the counter with a conspiratorial glance and whispered, 'They're not actually chips, they're fries."

• We have tickets to go see Rosco P. Coltrane throw out the first pitch at the Brainerd Lunkers game.

• I have, with the upmost grace, accepted Pickled Herring as a hostess gift.

• I know Mr. Holiday. Mr. Holiday knows me.

• www.crowwingcriminals.com is a bookmark on my computer. Because I know people who are 'featured'.

I am currently seeking a second opinion.

Where Did You Guys Register?

Encouraged by my favorite,  weekly coffee date, who shall remain anonymous (let's call her Stoli), I am posting an actual communication I sent to my government representatives last fall. 4 out of 5 responded. 1 got it taken care of (never one to share names, I'll simply refer to him Beaver's Dad / June's Husband) and 1 had his office call twice to make sure it was in fact taken care of (we'll call him Stuart Smalley).

Hello Representative Ward, Representative Howes, Senator Oberstar, Senator Klobuchar and Senator Franken,

As a new resident of Breezy Point and former Brainerd resident, I am approaching all of you in regards to this matter. It intersects the county, the Brainerd Drivers License Office and the USPS. Please advise as to who is most capable of achieving results in this arena as I am not attempting to send all of you on a goose chase.

Our family moved to Breezy Point from Brainerd in January of this year. As with any move, addresses must be changed. After meeting a local Police Officer who kindly reminded me to slow down and renew my license, I took time off of work and went to the Brainerd Driver's License Office (a 30 minute drive). This was on March 30 and I filled out the paperwork for an address change on my drivers license. I paid $13.50. I waited several weeks and did not receive the new license.

I contacted the Brainerd Office via phone, only to be told that no information could be given over the phone, that I would have to 'appear in person' to find out why it hadn't come.' After some convincing, the representative told me the license was sent back (via computer system) because 'address wasn't registered through USPS'. And 'that just because you fill out the forwarding information for USPS, doesn't mean your address is registered.' I was advised to 'appear' at the Post Office to have the address registered. As the home is new construction, I thought this could be valid.

So, I took more time off of work and 'appeared' at the Post Office (56472). The representative there indicated that my carrier needed to know we lived there. I shared with her that the carrier was aware b/c I had visited with her regarding mailbox placement, and additionally, we had been receiving our mail. She said, 'just because you get your mail, doesn't mean your address is changed...that maybe you are just getting junk mail.' Interestingly enough, we receive mail from the City of Breezy Point, the IRS, MN Dept of Revenue and our good friends at Visa. The postal representative had never heard of registering an address, and proceeded - are you ready for this - to write a note on a scrap of paper indicating it was a real address for me to give to the License Office (not unlike a note for the school gym teacher).

So...on June 15th, I went back to the Drivers License Office (3rd work absence). The representative there renewed my yellow change of address sheet and called the state level license office, whom indicated that the address 'wasn't registered and the drivers' license had been sent back' - (it never makes it to 56472, they said they would have delivered it - a bonus of a small town). The State License Office communicated to Brainerd that they would resend it. She told me if it didn't come in 10 days, to call them. So, as you may have guessed by this point, it didn't come. I called, and get this, was told no information could be released over the phone. This was confirmed by the Deputy (Agent 007 - I kid you not). I was told I would have to 'appear' in order to discuss the matter (that would be 4 work absences).

I then called the state office listed on the yellow receipt and they were more than happy to visit about it over the phone. Guess what. They said the address wasn't registered, although everything I had done on my end indicated it was. They agreed to resend it, but reminded me after the 3rd sending attempt, I would have to 'appear' at the Brainerd License Office and repay the $13.50

I then contacted the 56401 Brainerd Post Office. They were more than willing to help (even over the phone). Evidently there is a system used by the USPS called AMS (I think). The Brainerd PO had no way to investigate the 56472 PO AMS system, but did put a phone call in to 56472.

Now for the really fun part, the address IS REGISTERED...as XXX ABC Ln - I had written XXX ABC Lane and so they claim that is why it kicks it back. Evidently Crow Wing County uses abbreviations as opposed to the actual word. Yep, that's right, based on the information I have received, because I spelled out Lane, I have spent 6 months trying to get a driver's license.

Ready for the kicker...? Obviously (and please don't issue a citation) my husband, Marty, has made no attempt to change addresses after this whole debacle. Now, Marty's drivers license expired August 19th of this year. Are you ready...He RECEIVED a reminder postcard from the state license office telling him to renew. It was sent and neatly arrived in our mailbox. It used the Ln as that is the address that is 'registered'.

So, I write you in defeat. Please help me. Every time I pull out my license, I have to pull out the yellow receipt (8.5 x 11) that I carry in my wallet in a tiny folded square. Fortunately, most people don't notice that the receipt is expired. However, all future air travel will be impacted by this. We have a vacation planned and I don't see how telling this story at the airport is going to get me on a flight.

I look forward to your responses. My DL # is XXX (it expires 11/4/10 - I am not optimistic that this will be resolved by then). The address on my old license is XXX. It says I am 5'8 and weigh 155 lbs (whether or not that is factual is of no concern to you...) I am a Donor with brown eyes. As you may have guessed, I currently reside at XXX ABC Lane.

My cell phone # is XXX. I work at XXX in Nisswa. We have a home phone (for which we receive regular billings at the above referenced mailbox). We are rarely there (I am always at the post office or license office, so time at home is tough), but the phone number is XXX.

Kind Regards,

amy g

UPDATE:

I am happy to report that this communication did in fact result in receipt of a phone call from the State of Minnesota within one week. They did send the license to my home address. Which ironically was always registered. Evidently, when one moves residences, the government employee that enters your new address must in fact change the city and zip code in addition to the street address. This seems obvious, as ABC Lane exists in my current city, but not in my previous city.

Just another day in the life of the smart and good looking. It's a long, lonely road, but I do the best I can.

Feeding The Trolls

A product of the Gremlin Generation (the movie, not the car), I consider myself savvy in techno-lingo. Yet, this morning I was stumped.

It began innocently enough. After dropping off Things 1 and 2, I pulled forward in the carpool line into a reserved parking spot (under the guise of heading into the school office) in order to safely check myFacebook page via cell phone. As indicated by my actions, I am strongly committed to the safety of our children. Therefore, I would never FB in carpool line itself. Carpool line is reserved for yelling, check writing and homework completion. It is no place for social networking.

Scrolling through updates chock full of the minutia of parenting, working and evidently some form of virtual farming, I gave pause.

I had been called to the proverbial mat over a posted comment. My heart began to race and my mouth was as dry as the woodchips covering the playground. Several sentences filled a comment box. My God, it was a paragraph. Worse, it was two paragraphs. I was floored.

The comment was in response to a satirical jab of my Friend's grammar. This commenter, this alleged person, identified only by a picture, was lecturing me. Me. I had no idea who she was. Her name was quite ordinary. Not creative and unique like mine. For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Vader.

For clarification: My comment was four words. My Friend has a last name that ends in S. I struggle with last names that end in S. Particularly when it comes to plurals and possessives. The use of an apostrophe is paralyzing. Let's use a recognizable name as an example: Smithers. My Friend referred to her home in a possessive and posted a comment regarding The Smither's house. I commented, -Wouldn't that be Smithers'.

Decorum and reason, exit stage left.

Vader weighed in. Her rant included references to an advanced degree She moved on to grammatical errors committed by her friends in Mensa. Seriously. Mensa. Paragraph 2 included terms like 'forum for entertainment' and 'consider the end result' and 'impact'.

Evidently, I had hit a nerve.

Always one to take the high road, I didn't. I launched full on into a response dripping with condensation and sarcasm. It captured my quick wit, vast intelligence, size 4 figure and undeniable good looks.

Vader. Take cover.

I waited. I got coffee. I had no choice...I went to work. By the end of lunch, nothing. And then, at five til 5, the familiar ding of a FB notification rang through on my trusty iphone.

Redemption.

Yet, it wasn't Vader. Perhaps she had tripped on a juice box and lay unconscious atop a lego-strewn floor. It was some guy. His comment?

'Stop Feeding the Trolls'.

What? Trolls? He knows Vader? She was a troll? Then it suddenly dawned on me - this was lingo.

I subscribe to the Urban Dictionary feed. I do online bill pay. I download music. I am a young 36. I tell my children to Chillax. I tried on skinny jeans. I pay at the pump. I'm down. I confess. I was stumped.

What else was there to do? There was no choice. I did it. I googled.

I googled and I learned.

Trolling:

• Much like fishing. The act of purposefully antagonizing other people on the Internet, generally on message boards. Just as bad as trolling is "Feeding the Trolls". This is when people say stuff that they know will prompt someone to respond and/or replying to comments that are blatantly from a troll.

• Going out at night for the sole purpose of engaging in a sexual act with an ugly person.

• Hunting for trolls. Trollers hang around under bridges with troll guns at night (since trolls turn to stone in daylight), in the hope of bagging a troll head as a trophy. As a VERY endangered (i.e. nonexistent) species, trolls are protected by law, and trolling is therefore illegal.

• Going out in search of a victim for your intended crime. Wandering or driving slowly through an area, hoping to come across a good potential mark.

• To be under the influence of both LSD and Ecstasy; This word is made from tripping and rolling.

I explored. I learned. Most importantly, I expanded my lingo. It is understood that this is unlikely to win me the final round in Office Bingo (a game that is played in large meetings. The players write down management-nonsense word like "Out-of-the-box-thinking", "Synergy", "Content streamlining" etc.on a bingo card. Example: Company bigshot fancypants: "And that is why this merger is going to benefit shareholder value by creating value driven content." You: "BINGO!" ).

Yet, I have no doubt that my recently acquired street talk will further my reputation as a Soccer Mom Gang Banger in addition to sharpening my FB skills.

Thank you, Vader.

PS: I checked. I have been defriended.